OK, I meant to write something on this topic two days ago when the owners of the new Richmond-based Eastern League Class AA baseball team announced the five finalists for team name:
- Flatheads (after river catfish, apparently);
- Flying Squirrels;
- Hambones;
- Rhinos; and
- Rock Hoppers
I mean....SERIOUSLY?!? What in the world were they thinking? I mean, the Hambones makes SOME sense, although any true Richmonder knows it should probably be the Ham HOCKS. And I guess Flatheads, once explained, also makes some sense - although who in the Sam Hill wants to have to explain that name 47 THOUSAND times ("No, no....it doesn't mean we have actual FLAT heads. It's for this type of catfish, you see, that is native to the James River...oh, never mind.")?
But what in the world do Flying Squirrels have to do with Richmond? Or Rhinos, for that matter? Do we even HAVE flying squirrels in this neck of the woods? I don't think there is even a rhino at Maymont or the Richmond Zoo - which, apropos of nothing, is in Chesterfield, by the way.
Well hush my mouth and slap my Mama! A little insight into how these five finalist names were selected is front and center in today's Richmond Times-Dispatch. Apparently, according to the chief executive manager of the franchise, Mr. Chuck Domino, they want "obtuse, fun, off-beat, you name it. We're not your grandfather's front office, I can guarantee you that." So, they sat around a table, starting with 20 possible team names, and went round and round and round until they came up with these five. Suffice it to say, I suspect there were also copious amounts of alcohol involved.
["Bob, I'm just not sure a rebel is really fun and kooky enough. I mean, yeah, he could have a sword and a cape, kids like that stuff, and Richmond was where Patrick Henry did that "liberty and death" speech thing, but DUDE, a flying squirrel is just so much cooler! Pass me another tequila shot, won't you?"]
Well, assuming my grandfather HAD a minor league baseball front office, which he did not, I guarantee he could still have been fun and off-beat while remaining RELEVANT. Can't we have both, people? I mean, the franchise owners also say:
We want to have something that's going to lend itself well to a logo, lend itself well to multiple mascots, be something that people are going to scratch their heads about. And something that would lend itself well to merchandise that would last the test of time for kids' merchandise. That's where the key is, selling kids' merchandise.
Well, I'm scratching my head about all of it. For example, how in heck does a "Rock Hopper" lend itself to multiple mascots? A big rock? That hops? Doesn't seem very fun to me. And if I don't think it's fun, I seriously doubt a seven year old will. Hambones seems a little more obvious. We can have a pig mascot, pig noses and ham hats. Kids will LOVE that. No matter that we'll all look like loons.
So......I am going to throw out a few possible names, that just might be fun and loony enough, but still have something to do with Richmond...or at least Virginia...or heck, even the southern half of the eastern seaboard! I am giving myself ten minutes and this is just going to be stream of consciousness. Feel free to submit your own suggestions, or rag on mine.
- Republicans;
- Envy - We can have a big picture of Charlotte, NC with a red line through it;
- Reactionaries;
- Lockjaws;
- Antiques - the mascot can be an old lady in a rocker with a cane;
- Drawls - no clue what the mascot would be, but can't be any more difficult than a "Rock Hopper;"
- Diamondbacks - pushed by my 11 year old, who thinks it's cool because the team will be playing at the Diamond, at least for the short term;
- Debutantes - that amuses me for a whole host of reasons. The team IS making its Richmond debut, now isn't it? If Mr. Domino and associates REALLY have a sense of humor, they might go for it, regardless of the gender-bending issue. The mascot could be a guy with a beard in a ball gown;
- Equivocators;
- Grits; and
- Status Quo.
OK, that was only 5 minutes, but I got bored. So, some, maybe all, of my ideas may be goofy, but I bet I could do better with a roomful of friends and several bottles of wine.
Mr. Domino, you and your organization seem like fun folks. I'm really glad you are coming to town and bringing a team with you. I love going out to a live ball game on a beautiful evening and I'm looking forward to being able to do it again. But not to put too fine a point on it, I think the current five finalist names suck. I'm all for silly, goofy, and fun, but let's make it relevant to Richmond. And if it's going to have "Ham" in it, I am strongly lobbying for Ham HOCKS, rather than Bones. Or how about the "Fat Backs?" That's even better.
Welcome to Richmond. We're easy to love. [;)]
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